I'm Pissed Off

I’m Pissed Off

Ania Davis

Only the tops of

The mountain flame with the sun

Gone from the valley

I’m pissed off because I’m constantly taken for granted. I’m pissed off because no matter how hard I work or how much effort I put in; it’s never enough. I’m pissed off because my feelings are never seen as valid, my point of view never correct and my boundaries are constantly crossed and abused. I’m pissed off because I constantly give so much of myself only to be left with bullshit and loss at the end of the day. I’m pissed off because I’m the only person who knows what’s going on inside my head and it drives me fucking crazy when people pretend to care and understand. I’m pissed off because people could look me dead in the eye and swear up and down that I don’t deserve pain and that they’re sorry people ever hurt me – but turn around and do it themselves without hesitation. I’m pissed off because most of the people I know are so focused on self-benefit that they miss what’s actually beautiful about friendships and relationships. They say you only lose what you gain, so screw it. I don’t want anything, that way I have nothing to fear losing. 

Fear

All eyes were trained on me.

Every. Single. Pair.

I could barely breathe as I continued to slowly walk across the rose colored carpet. I feel as though I am afraid of a lot of things, but i'm also constantly pushing myself out of my comfort zone to mask the things i'm most deeply afraid of. What if I tripped? Would every laugh at me? Would someone try and help? I could barely focus, just wanting to be done with this decent to hell.

If you told me that I needed to scale the side of a mountain, or jump from an airplane, or hang off the edge of a building - i'm all for it. I can push through that anxiety to hide the fact that if you told me in the next couple years, I could lose everyone important to me, or that I won't have accomplished anything, or that I've failed - it wouldn't be so easy to break through that barrier of anxiety and face what's to come.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, I had made it to the front; But it still didn't feel right. The priest allowed everyone to sit, smiling at me; and yet, I still could take no comfort in this.The truth is, the fears that hold me back are the ones that have been proven to me time and time again. They're like the versions of myself that I constantly consult before making a decision. They are those alarm bells going off in my head when I try something new, or meet a new person, or tell someone anything that they could possibly use against me.

...and after all this close analyzing, you'd think I'd have a steady mind and an easy heart... but what if this is a mistake? What if i'm marrying the wrong the person?